


When Trouble Falls

by Kukki90



Category: Dir en grey, Jrock
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Consensual Sex, Drama, Everyone Is Gay, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issue, Romance, Sex, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-05-30 19:09:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15103088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kukki90/pseuds/Kukki90
Summary: Kyo is hurt, Die is confused and Shinya gets the short end of the deal.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this when I was sitting in the airport at Narita, on the way home from Lunatic Fest.

                Kyo thrashes around, a moving body of electricity, wired to the point of electrocution, as he moves around the stage, growling screams pushing him to the limit of his voice. The audience accustomed to his frantic dance, cheer him on as he jumps up on the metal riser at center stage, extending his arms out as if he was a benevolent messiah. Jumping down off the riser, Kyo begins another frenzied dance as the music moves into a driving crescendo, he dances across the stage, back to the riser, stepping up with his right foot, he pushes himself up… his foot slips off the sweat covered metal, pitching the small man forward, the sick sound of his forehead hitting the riser then falling face first onto the stage floor.

                Initially neither the crowd or the band seem to notice that Kyo is no longer moving, a piercing scream goes up from a girl in the front row as she pointed to the unconscious vocalist lying still, on the floor. The confused rush to get to Kyo starts with Kaoru, throwing his guitar to the floor, he rushes to the side of the small man, followed quickly by a crew member and Toshiya. Die and Shinya are the last to see Kyo only after another crew member rushes past Die.

                Fans are crying, confused shouting as Kaoru scoops up Kyo’s limp body in his arms, moving quickly down the ramp to the backstage area, the rest of the band following closely. Die is yelling for medical personal as the chaos continues, Shinya is grabbing towels to try to stop the heavy flow of blood that was running down Kyo’s face as if it were the fake blood of the old VK days. Kaoru carefully places Kyo on the couch, speaking to the man in a low voice, “Kyo…buddy come on…open your eyes for me…Kyo…” Medical technicians arrive, asking people to move. “What happened?” one asked as he puts his equipment box down.

                “I don’t think anyone saw, but he must have slipped on the riser,” Kaoru offers.

                “How long has he been unconscious?”

                “Less than five minutes” Toshiya answered.

                “We need to get him to a hospital now!” The medical technician radioed for a stretcher to be brought backstage.

               

                An announcement was made to the crowd “There will be an update on the fan club web page as soon as information has been obtained” There was a hesitation by the crowd to leave the venue, everyone wished to see that Kyo was safe.

                “We need to go right now!” Die growled as they watched Kyo being loaded into the ambulance, “The crew will pack up for us…” Kaoru had already started to move back to towards the dressing rooms. “Shinya?” Toshiya noticed that the man hadn’t moved, he was still watching the ambulance as it drove away, “Shin-chan, come on…let’s get cleaned up, ne?” Toshiya gently took Shinya by the arm and pulled the distraught man back inside. “I didn’t even see him fall…” Shinya whimpered as he looked up at Toshiya, “I didn’t either, I just saw…no I heard Kao throw his guitar down, that’s when I saw Kyo on the ground.” Walking quickly into the backstage area, Die was pacing around the room, muttering to himself. “What the fuck happened? Did anyone actually see?” Die snapped.  “Die, none of us saw it…quit swearing and get cleaned up!” Kaoru ordered the guitarist to stop pacing and get dressed. “Fine, I want to know what the fuck happened!” Everyone was shaking, scared and angry, Die not wanting to think of what type of damage his lover had sustained, all he could see was blood.

                Arriving at the hospital, a nurse was waiting for the band members at the emergency entrance. “This way please, a doctor is with your friend right now, he will be in as soon as the evaluation is completed.” A nurse led them to a small private room, leaving them to wait and worry about Kyo’s condition. “I didn’t see it happen, how could I not see him fall?” Die murmured to himself, sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. “Die, none of us did, don’t beat yourself up over this, it’s not your fault” Shinya sat on the couch next to his friend, pulling him into a hug, Die putting his head on Shinya’s thin shoulder.

                Four long hours later a doctor came into the room, clearing his throat and looking at each member before he spoke. “I don’t have a positive nor a negative outlook on Kyo’s condition, it’s much too early to come to any conclusion. There doesn’t appear to be any significant damage to his brain, from what we observed with the CT scan.” The doctor stopped for a moment, again looking at each man. “Right now, Kyo is stable and as comfortable as we can make him but it’s going to be a long night, I suggest you all go home and get some rest, but you may visit him now before you leave.”

                Kaoru and Die were the first to go into the room, Kaoru holding Die’s hand. The scene that was before them made Kaoru groan; Kyo’s head bandaged up, makeup smeared across his face, monitor lines and an IV line in one arm. “Kyo…baby…I’m here…” Die’s voice wavered and cracked, Kao’s arm holding him tightly across the shoulders. “Sshh, he’ll be okay Die, we just need to give him some time.” Behind him, Kaoru could hear the door open, Toshiya and Shinya walking quietly up to the bed.

                “Kyo-kun…” Shinya whispered, Toshiya said nothing, pale and shaken he stood next to Kyo’s bed, tears falling onto the sheets. “We should go home and let him rest, we can come back in the morning.” Kaoru knew that staying at the hospital did nothing for Kyo in his current condition, he also knew that none of them would get much sleep over night. “Will you give me a few minutes please?” Die asked, his eyes never leaving his lover. “Of course, we’ll wait out in the hall.” Kaoru led the others into the hallway.

                Die stared down at his lover, searching Kyo’s face for any indication that he would wake. “Kyo, babe…This isn’t the way to get my attention…” Die carefully bent down and gave his lover a tender kiss. “My little warumono…” Die kissed Kyo once more, “I’ll be back in the morning, don’t scare the nurses…I love you.”

                “Die?” Shinya poked his head into the room. “I’m ready…” Die walked out the door, once in the hall way he took a few faltering steps, then slowly sank to his knees, quietly sobbing. “What…Kyo…if he doesn’t?” the red-haired guitarist wept, “Toshiya swiftly bent over and picked Die up. “He’s going to be fine, Die…Kyo’s too much of a rat bastard…” Toshiya pulled his friend into a bear hug,  “let’s get you home.”

 

 

                Die and Shinya were sitting next to Kyo’s bed speaking softly. It had been four days since his accident, leaving everyone including Kyo’s doctors to grow increasingly worried about his condition. “We should call his sister, I think she’d want to be here in case…” Shinya stopped mid-sentence. “Shin?” Die watched as Shinya turned and looked at Kyo. “He squeezed my hand.” He said softly. “Go get a nurse now, Die.” Die ran for the door, opening it he almost knocked over a nurse, “He’s squeezed Shinya’s hand!” Grabbing the nurse by the arm, Die dragged her to Kyo’s bedside.

                Shinya and Die watch as Kyo’s eyes flutter, straining to open. “Kyo, babe…I’m here, Shinya’s here too!” Die held Kyo’s hand, watching the man struggle into wakefulness, Shinya on his phone, texting Kaoru. “Good morning.” The doctor came into the room and went straight to Kyo’s bedside, his small penlight flickering in Kyo’s eyes, and going through some diagnostic commands. Once Kyo’s eyes met Die’s, they held a look of fear. “Um, where am I?” Kyo asked in a very small voice. Die sat in the chair next to Kyo’s bed. “Baby, you fell and hit your head on the riser during the live…you’ve been out of it for days. How’s your head feel?” Die was leaning in, speaking softly to his lover.

                Kyo looked up at Die…with fear in his eyes and shrinking back away from the man. “Wh…who are you?” he stammered, his voice shaking. “Kyo…that’s not funny… does anything else hurt?” Die started to shake inside. “Why do you keep calling me Kyo? Who’s that?” Kyo pointed at Shinya. “Why am I in the hospital?” Now it was Die’s turn to be scared. “Kyo…?” He whispered. Shinya took Die by the hand, “Let’s go wait outside, let the doctor finish his exam” Die didn’t move, Shinya gently pulled his friend out the door.  “Shin…what the hell is wrong with him?” Die was staring at the door of Kyo’s room. “Maybe he’s still out of it because of…I don’t know Die.” 

                “Why am I in the hospital? I don’t remember getting hurt…” Kyo watched as the doctor unwrapped the bandage around his head. “You have a head injury, you fell and struck your head on a metal table of some sort, and there’s a pretty nasty gash across your forehead.” The doctor kept his voice low and even sounding, as not to alarm his patient.

                “Who were those men?” Kyo was sitting up in bed, reaching to touch his forehead where the stitches were. “I’m not sure… you don’t recognize them?” Carefully stepping into the conversation.

                “No, I’ve never seen them before, and why did they keep calling me Kyo? My name is Tooru”

                “Tooru, where do you live? What city are you from?” Now came the standard questions when dealing with this issue.

                “Kyoto, near Takeda.” The doctor made a note of that in Kyo’s file, making sure to inform the nurses what he suspected was happening.

                “Let me go talk to those two gentlemen, they were the one’s that found you injured and brought you to the hospital.” The doctor turned and left the room.

                In the hallway, Die and Shinya had been joined by Kaoru and Toshiya, all wearing grim expressions. Die was the first one to stand, his face pale with worry.

                “What’s wrong with Kyo?” Die demanded. “Die…let the doctor speak.” Kaoru held Die by the arm. “I suspect he’s suffering from a form of amnesia, although he knows who he is…he is Tooru from Takeda, Kyoto.”

                “He’s who? You’re fucking joking!” Die growled at the doctor. “DIE! That’s enough” snapped Kaoru. “Tooru is Kyo’s given name, he chose the name Kyo because he is from Kyoto and hates the name Tooru. So, what is the next step?” Kaoru asked.

                “I need to consult with a psychiatrist before I do anything else. Kyo will need intense therapy at least for the time being. We have no way of knowing if this is permanent or temporary and there is no brain damage per se. If you’d like to stay you can, but I caution you, do not force the issue of who he is. Do not pressure him into anything, that could cause more of a long-term problem.” The doctor bowed and walked away.

                The band members stood in stunned silence, each wondering what the next move would be. “Let’s not panic, at least not until the doctor says we should…” Toshiya tried to lighten the mood a bit. Die had sat down on a bench along the wall, bent over with his head in his hands, his mind racing with ‘what ifs’. Shinya looked over at Die, nudging Kaoru in the shoulder.

                “Die, it’s going to be fine…this is probably just temporary, like when you’re hung over and you don’t remember what you did the night before.” Kaoru tried to comfort his friend. “Like Totchi said, let’s wait until we hear from the other doctor before doing anything. We needed to call management, will you be okay with Shinya? I’m taking Totchi with me…keep him out of trouble.” Kaoru didn’t see Toshiya sticking his tongue out and flipping him a middle finger.

                Die just nodded, he didn’t trust himself to say anything right then. As Kaoru and Toshiya walked away, Shinya sat down next to Die, placing his arm around the always too thin shoulders of his band mate. “Shin…what the hell am I going to do? He doesn’t even know who I am…I don’t…” Die couldn’t finish. “Like the doctor said, let’s wait until he is seen by the psychiatrist before we jump to conclusions, ne?” Die nodded but remained unconvinced that this wasn’t a permanent problem. “Do you want to go in and see him again? Remember, we can’t pressure him in anyway.” Shinya stood and held out his hand for Die, who took a deep breath and wiped his eyes.  

                Kyo was laying on his side facing away from the door, his friends not sure if he was awake or sleeping. Shinya softly cleared his throat as he walked towards the bed, “Tooru, how are you feeling?” Kyo rolled over when he heard his name, his eyes red and swollen from crying. “Who are you?” the man asked. “My name is Shinya, my friend Die, and I found you and brought you to the hospital.” Kyo sniffed deeply, struggling to hold his emotions together. “Thank you for doing that, but why did you call me that other name?” Shinya didn’t know how to handle that question, as he turned and looked at Die. “We thought you might be a friend of ours, you look a lot alike and with all the blood, I’m sorry we confused you.” Die’s voice was trembling with emotion, he gazed down at his lover. “Shin…I can’t…” Die turned abruptly and left the room.

                “Is he mad at me?” Kyo looked at Shinya. “No, he’s just upset about your accident, he’s a very sensitive man.” Shinya smiled softly. Kyo closed his eyes, “I’m so confused…I just want to go home.” Shinya sat down next to the bed, “Things will look better tomorrow Tooru…I promise.” Kyo peered through his swollen red eyes at the slender blonde man sitting next to his bed. “Will you come and visit? You’re very nice… and I’m scared…”

                “Yes, I promise I’ll come to visit. The other men that were with us when we found you may want to come and see you…just to make sure you’re okay. You met Die already, Kaoru and Toshiya were also with us, they’re very worried about you Tooru…would it be okay if they came to see you tomorrow? They won’t stay long I promise.” Kyo looked away from Shinya, “I guess it’s okay…it’s just they seem to think I’m their friend…but can’t they see that I’m not?” Kyo sat up in bed, “Do I really look that much like this Kyo person?” Shinya smiled and nodded, “You could be his twin.” The two of them sat quietly for a while until Kyo’s eyes started to grow heavy. “I’m going to leave now…you look tired. I promise I’ll be back tomorrow morning, ne?” Kyo mumbled an ‘arigato’ and Shinya left the room.

                Looking up and down the hallway, Die was nowhere in sight. Shinya got his phone out, “ _I’m leaving now…do you need a ride?_ ” There was no immediate answer, leaving Shinya to believe that Die had already left the hospital. Walking quietly out to his car, Shinya knew he’d have to speak to the other band members about how to deal with Kyo’s fear of them, he also knew he needed to speak to the doctor.  

                Die walked away from the hospital, shoulders hunched, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. He was trying…and failing to convince himself that Kyo’s memory loss would be temporary, but with the way his lover looked at him, with fear in his eyes, it was too much for Die to handle.

                Walking for over an hour, Die had no particular place he wanted to go, he just knew he didn’t want to go home.  He stopped, falling to his knees he screamed to the sky, “FUCK!! Why…Kyo what should I do?” He sat back on his heels, lifting his head to see where he was. “Kaoru…” Looking at the building to his right, he had ended up in front of Kaoru’s apartment complex. “Kao will know…” Die muttered to himself. Getting up and walking towards the complex, he got into the elevator and got off at the top floor. Staggering if he were drunk, Die stood in the doorway and leaned on the bell.

                “WHO THE FUCK???” He could hear Kaoru shouting as the man ran to the door, “YOU’D BETTER HAVE A…Die?” Kaoru was taken aback at the site that greeted him as he opened his door, a drawn and haggard man stood before him, tears in his eyes and fear in his heart. “Die…what the hell are you doing here? Come in… you look cold” Kaoru took Die by the hand, hissing at how cold the flesh he pressed against was. “Sit down…I’m getting a blanket” Die slumped onto Kaoru’s couch, a place he had often passed out on, still looking at the floor, not able to make eye contact with his friend…not yet.

                “Where the hell have you been? Shinya’s been in panic mode for over an hour! You just walked out of the hospital without telling him? Die…honestly.” Kaoru fussed and scolded his bandmate like he was a small child who had gotten lost.

                “I couldn’t… he still doesn’t know who I am Kao…he’s afraid of me!” Die whimpered. “He would talk to Shinya…but not to me! Kao tell me what to do!” Die broke down completely at that point, falling over and laying his head in Kaoru’s lap, weeping like a child. Kaoru had his hands up, not knowing how to comfort his friend. “Die, I don’t have an answer for you” he slowly started to pet Die’s hair, gently pushing it out of the weeping man’s eyes. “We just have to wait; the doctors and the shrink should be able to tell us something in a few days.” Kaoru reached for his phone, texting Shinya that Die was safe at his house and that he would call him later.

                Kaoru sat with Die’s head in his lap, just petting his hair and listening to the man cry. After a while, the only sound coming from Die was a stuffed nose sounding snore. Kaoru wiggled his way off the couch, placing a blanket over the sleeping Die, then stepping into the kitchen Kaoru called Shinya.

                “ _He’s sleeping at the moment, no…he really wasn’t terribly coherent when he came in, all he said is that Kyo was afraid of him and asked me what he should do._ ” As Kaoru talked, he looked over at Die. “ _Tomorrow? Hmm, I don’t know if I can get him to go…no, I don’t think so. I’m going to see if he’ll stay here with me…why are you surprised? Gee thanks Shin, I love you too. No, of course not, true I am better than Toshiya at this I suppose. Should I tell him? Hmm, you’re right we shouldn’t hide anything. I’ll tell him…okay I’ll see you tomorrow. Ja ne_ ”

                Kaoru went to retrieve another blanket, walking to the couch he looked down at his friend, “I don’t know what to tell you to do, Daisuke…we have to wait it out.” He whispered to his sleeping friend, as he covered him with the blanket. He kneeled beside Die and carefully kissed him on the forehead. “We’ll figure this out somehow. We always do. Sleep well Daisuke”


	2. Chapter 2

 

                “But why do I have all these tattoos? I don’t remember getting them…I’d never do such a thing! Why does one of them say ‘Damned’?” Kyo was sitting in an office within the confines of the hospital talking to a psychiatrist Dr. Maeta, needing answers to what was now his life. “Tooru, what was the last thing you remember when from being at home?” Maeta was nudging Kyo in an attempt to pinpoint his last known memory. “Um…” Kyo closed his eyes as Maeta watched. “I was…I…” Kyo’s brow furrowed, the internal struggle apparent.

                Dr. Maeta moved on to another question, “If you were released today, where would you go?” Dr. Maeta knew the question would give him a hint on where Kyo’s memory was. “I would go…”  Tears silently trickled down Kyo’s face. “I think that’s enough for today Tooru.” Dr. Maeta stood up. “I’ll drop by later this afternoon to check on you.”

               

                Kyo sat on the side of his bed, frustrated angry and scared. He had no idea what was happening, who he was and how he had lived his life up until he woke in the hospital. His session with the psychiatrist Dr. Maeta was difficult, the doctor asking questions he had no answer for. A knock on the door took his attention away from his frustration.

                “Tooru? May I come in?” Shinya had poked his head through the door. “Yes! Please!” Kyo welcomed Shinya in. “How are you feeling this morning?” Shinya tread lightly, not knowing if Kyo had spoken to the doctor.

                “Tired, confused, frustrated…have I left anything out?” Kyo said with a weak smile.

                “I’m sorry, I wish I could help.” Shinya’s heart was breaking. “Would it be okay if my friends came in to say hi? They just want to make sure you’re okay.”

                Kyo didn’t say anything for a few seconds, “Um…sure” But he wasn’t sure. Shinya nodded and went to the door.

                Slowly the others came into the room, standing against a wall, making sure not to crowd Kyo. “Hi Tooru, my name is Kaoru…” The others introduced themselves, Kyo looking at each of them. “We just wanted to stop by and see for ourselves that you’re doing better.” Kaoru explained.

                “I um, I’m okay…well mostly okay.” Kyo replied in a soft voice. He looked up and noticed Die staring at him, he looked Die in the eyes…what he saw made him uncomfortable. Toshiya nudged Die,” Stop staring” he whispered. Kaoru sat next to the bed “How are you feeling? You look much better today.” Kyo looked at the man sitting next to the bed, the tattoos that covered his body, this made him even more nervous. “Thanks…I feel better I guess.”

                This version of Kyo scared his friends, mild, meek and shy was not the Kyo they knew. Toshiya tried to speak cheerfully to Kyo attempting to make the small man feel more at ease. But it was obvious that their presence made the vocalist uncomfortable. Kaoru looked at Shinya who was standing in a corner watching, “We’re going to leave you alone now Tooru, please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.” Kaoru go up and bowed, moving to shove the others out the door.

                “Are they angry with me? The one with the red hair stared at me…is he mad?” Kyo had seen Die staring but didn’t understand the expression on the other man’s face. “Die is just very caring, he worries about you quite a bit.” Kyo still didn’t understand why. “What are you going to do when you’re released, Tooru? Do you know where you’ll live?” Shinya had been drilled by the others on what they were going to do when Kyo was released.

                “I, I don’t know…Dr. Maeta asked me the same thing but I have no idea where I lived…I can’t remember anything! What the hell am I going to do Shinya?” Kyo was on the verge of a panic attack until Shinya sat down on the bed next to him, putting his arm around the smaller man’s shoulder.

                “Do you trust me Tooru?” he dared ask.

                “You seem nice enough, and you don’t scare me like the others, so yah, I guess I do trust you.” Kyo liked the slender blonde man, he had a calming effect on him.

                “Would you like to come and live at my house? I live alone so you wouldn’t have to worry about meeting people you don’t know.” Shinya couldn’t believe he was asking this, but what else was he to do?

                “You’d let me live with you? A total stranger moving into your house? Why would you do that for me?” This confused Kyo a great deal.

                “You need some where to live and I’m offering. You remind me a lot of a very dear friend and I want to help you.” Shinya knew there really was no other alternative. “Let me speak to your doctor first, you think about my offer and I’ll be back later today, ne?”  Kyo nodded slightly. “Okay”

 

                After a week of living together, Shinya knew he had to start the process of Kyo returning to his normal life. Dr. Maeta had given Shinya a set procedure that would slowly expose Kyo to who he really was, but within some parameters that would hopefully avoid any setbacks or trauma. Shinya had informed the other members of Diru what he was going to do, Die in particular wanted to know exactly what was going on.

                “You’re telling me…that I’m what?” Kyo said incredulously. Shinya had for the first time, explained who Kyo really was. Shinya got up and retrieved a photo book from a shelf.

                “Your name is Kyo, you’re the vocalist for the band Dir En Grey.” Shinya opened the photo book and started to show Kyo pictures starting from their early VK days. “You changed your name from Tooru to Kyo… well because you hated your name.” Shinya giggled softly. “You chose Kyo because you’re from Kyoto, pretty simple actually.”

                Kyo flipped through the pages, his expression growing darker with each photo. After a few minutes he slammed the book closed, got up and went down to his room. Shinya sighed, he was warned by Dr. Maeta that the first day would likely be the most difficult on Kyo. “His initial shock may be fairly severe, just make sure to watch him closely.”

                Shinya waited it out in the kitchen, hoping that Kyo would be more curious than frightened. As the day wore on, Kyo had yet to come out of his bedroom, leaving Shinya concerned about his mental state. Six hours in, Shinya knocked on the door, “Tooru?” he waited. Just as he was reaching for the knob, the door opened, and he was faced with a man who looked emotionally destroyed.

                “Hey, do you want to talk about it?” Shinya asked. Kyo hesitated for a moment, “Yah I guess we should, I have a lot of questions.” They went into the living room, Shinya made tea for them both, then sat down next to his friend, “What do you want to know?”

                “What happened to me? Why did I end up in the hospital?” Kyo needed to start with what he remembered. Shinya explained the accident and how it happened, “You scared the crap out of all of us, there was so much blood.” Kyo knew he’d been unconscious for a few days, but to hear the words on how he was injured was more than a little scary.

“Tell me about the band, who everyone is.” The three men that visited him in the hospital, Kyo now had to look at them differently, not as strangers but as long-time friends…maybe more. Shinya went on to discuss each member and their role in the band, their personalities and what relationships they had with each other. Shinya left Die as the last to discuss…he wasn’t sure how to say it.

                “Lastly there’s Die, he’s the one with the red hair and he is our second guitarist. You and he are…well…”

                “Well what? Do we hate each other? Please tell me that we at least can stand each other.” Kyo waited for the explanation.

                “Give me one minute…I need to call someone.” Shinya excused himself and went into his bedroom.

                “ _What do you want me to do? I’m explaining all the relationship dynamics, what do you want me to tell him about you? Lie? Are you sure? Ok, well it’s your call…I will_.”

                Shinya rejoined Kyo in the living room. “About Die, you and he have a special connection, you have a close relationship with him. You’re best friends with Die, you two together are sometimes very annoying with your pranks and jokes, but you care for each other deeply.”

                Kyo glared at his friend, “You’re lying Shinya… tell me the truth.”

                “Tooru, Die asked me not to.”

                “I don’t give shit what Die asked you, I deserve the truth…I have nothing else in my life right now, the truth of my past is the only thing I’m asking for.” The two men stared hard at each other.

“Fine, but don’t be angry with me.” Shinya shook a finger at Kyo, taking a deep breath he said it, “You and Die have been partners and lovers for the last five years.” Shinya closed his eyes, waiting for…he wasn’t sure.  

“Partners and lovers? You mean I’m GAY? Holy shit…that’s not what I was expecting.” Kyo reached for the photo book on the table and started looking closer at the pictures. “Shit…it makes sense, some of these pictures are…well questionable.” Placing the book back on the table, Kyo slumps into the couch.  “Are you okay? I mean I know this somewhat of a shock…” Shinya tread lightly.  

“Somewhat of a shock? Understatement of the year, Shinya. I’m gay…I’m the singer in a popular rock band and I’ve been living with my lover for five years…and I remember none of this, yah it’s a bit of shock I’d say.” Kyo laughed.  “You’re taking it better than I expected, and Die didn’t want you to know.” Shinya got up to make more tea.

 “Any questions about your relationship with Die?”

“How much do you know? Oh god, don’t tell me you know specific details…please spare me if you do.”

“No, not specific details…and if I did, I’d never tell Die. Do you have any questions about what to do and how to move forward with this.”  “I’m more worried about what I’m going to do if or better yet, when I see Die. How do I act around him…’sorry dude I don’t remember fucking you for the last five years,’ That’s not going to go over very well.” Kyo leaned forward, elbows on his knees with his head in his hands, laughing at the absurdity of the situation.

                Later that night, Die called Shinya. “So, how did it go?” Die was eager to hear that Kyo had made some progress. “Well…I can’t say it went as planned, we had a little disturbance.” Die heard apprehension in Shinya’s voice.

                “What the fuck, Shin…what happened?”

                “Kyo called me out on your relationship when I tried to pass it off as just a friendship, he knew I was lying.” Shinya’s shoulders came up into his ears, cringing and ready for Die to explode.

                “Oh” Die whispered. “How did he handle that? Did he freak out and doesn’t want to see me anymore?” Die sounded like a broken wounded man, breaking Shinya’s heart.

                “No, he didn’t say anything like that, he was a little upset that he was gay, I think he was more upset with finding out he was our vocalist, to be honest.” Die was silent on the other end. “Die?”

                “Yah, sorry. What does he want to do now?” Die was holding onto his emotions by a rat’s hair, ready to drop off the side of the world.

                “He has an appointment with Dr. Maeta tomorrow, he will probably go with whatever is suggested. I’m sorry Die, I tried to keep it a secret…but even when he’s normal Kyo, his bullshit alarm was going off like a tornado siren, he saw right through me.” 

                “It’s not your fault Shin, we probably shouldn’t try to lie to him at all, I think he’d be much happier hearing the truth, even if it’s painful. Will you text me and let me know how his appointment goes?” The rat hair of sanity was starting to lose its grip.

                “Yes, I will I promise and Die, don’t give up hope okay? The doctors all said he could regain his memories still, it might be another traumatic event that slaps his brain around, but we’ll get our little Warumono back.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is just in my brain...I can't really figure it out.   
> They're standing behind me poking me in the back.  
> Silly boys.


	3. Chapter 3

 

                “Tell me Tooru, how has it been living with Shinya…are you happy?” Dr. Maeta started the run of questions he routinely asked for patients with amnesia. “I’m not sure happy is the right word, Doctor. Content maybe?” Kyo wasn’t sure how he was feeling. He liked living with Shinya, the man was quiet, sensitive and funny. They had a lot of common interests and they liked just hanging out at Shinya’s house, that to Kyo was contentment.

                “How much have you ventured out into the public?” Dr. Maeta knew this was a touchy subject being how everyone knew Kyo of Dir En Grey, but not Tooru from Kyoto. “We haven’t really, Shinya tells me that it would be difficult and potentially scary, considering the popularity of the band. Fans won’t understand, he said. We go for drives, order pizza but as for going out and shopping, no I haven’t gotten out much.”

                Now the tough questions; “What about your relationship with your band mates? Have you spoken to any of them recently, specifically Daisuke?” Kyo shifted in his seat, his face starting to flush with embarrassing heat. “I know about our relationship, if that’s what you mean. I know that I’ve been with Die for five years, that’s a problem.”

                “Oh? How is that a problem?” Dr. Maeta put down his clipboard for a moment. “It’s a problem because I have no romantic feelings for Die…he actually scares me. He’s always staring at me, it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know how to handle it, I feel badly for him…honestly.”

                Dr. Maeta watched Kyo as he spoke, the man caved in on himself, shoulders rounding and attempting to hide. “Tooru, you have no responsibility right now, it’s not your job to make Die comfortable. If you’d like, I will speak with him and explain what he’s doing is not helping you in any way.”

                “NO! Don’t do that please! I…I don’t want to upset him…he doesn’t mean anything, I uh…he’s just confused, I would be too if my lover all of sudden didn’t know me...please Dr. Maeta, don’t speak with Die!” Kyo had sat up and inched to the end of his chair, pleading with the doctor.

                “Alright Tooru, I will hold off on speaking with Die, but that will require _you_ explaining how you feel to him, do not wait too long. Perhaps have Shinya be the mediator, act as a go between for the two of you.” Dr. Maeta was surprised at the negative reaction to his suggestion. He would however, be calling Shinya and speaking with him. After scheduling another appointment, Kyo left the doctor’s office, relieved to see Shinya waiting for him in the lobby.

                “You look a little worn out, ready to go?” Shinya thought Kyo looked a little pale and drawn, “Please, let’s get out of here…I don’t care where we go…anywhere but here.” Kyo grabbed Shinya by the hand and dragged him out of the building.

                They decided that food was next on the list of things that they needed. “Do you want to go out? Order in or go shopping?” Shinya wanted Kyo to get out in public a little, they had devised a disguise of sorts to keep the fans at bay.

                “I think … let’s go shopping, I want to cook for you! Kyo smiled at Shinya. “You can cook? That’s something new” Shinya was semi-shocked, Kyo had never offered to cook for him before. “Well, I think I can cook, I have ideas of what you might like…do you trust me not to poison you?” Kyo giggled. “I trust you, besides I know where you live!” Shinya laughed and nudged Kyo in the shoulder.

                The two men, with Kyo in his disguise, wandered the aisles of the store, Kyo picking out specific items, some of which made Shinya rather nervous. “That curry powder looks pretty powerful, are you sure you know how to cook?” Kyo stuck his tongue out at his friend…his friend. That felt good to think. “I’ll make sure to have the emergency ambulance number handy.” Shinya decided that little snarky remark deserved a piece of chicken to be thrown at Kyo, who quickly ducked. The pre-dinner shenanigans escalated from there. Ice down backs, food being thrown and swearing like sailors…it started as fun and games, but it changed to something much more serious very quickly.

                “STOP CHASING ME!” Shinya laughed as the two men dashed around the table, Kyo with a handful of ice ready to seek revenge. Kyo had him cornered, creeping towards the man and pinning him against the counter. “Don’t do it…” Shinya giggled. Kyo leaned against his roommate, ready to shove the ice down the front of Shinya’s shirt, then he stopped.

                “Kyo?” Shinya sputtered, his breath catching when he realized he had not called him Tooru, “Shinya, you have the most beautiful lips…” Kyo was staring…leaning in he kissed Shinya softly, no tongue, just a soft whisper of a kiss. Shinya’s eyes grew wide, but he didn’t move…

                Kyo pulled away, not making eye contact with his friend. “I’m…sorry, I shouldn’t have…” He was about to apologize again, then Shinya’s lips were on his, this time the kiss was a little more seductive. Kyo dropped the ice on the floor, wrapping his arms around Shinya’s slender waist, the kiss deepened…tiny sounds of pleasure coming from Shinya.

                Shinya pulled back this time, “Um…we better stop, I don’t think this is appropriate right now.” He whispered to Kyo. “Um, okay…but I have to say, I liked it…a lot.” Kyo grinned. Shinya shoved Kyo lightly in the shoulder. “I’ll admit…I liked it too. But I think it’s probably not a great idea, considering who you are and who you are not.”

                Kyo agreed, it was hard to separate himself as Tooru, and look through Kyo’s eyes. He knew he had had a life with Die, but that life was currently lost to him. Did he accept that and live as Tooru, or should he continue to reconcile his true memories? Shinya was there, in front of him…24/7. The man was funny, attractive and comforting, all the things Kyo as Tooru needed.

                Dinner was a little quieter than it had been in the past, both men confused about their feelings for one another. “I want to apologize…I didn’t even consider your feelings before I kissed you.” Kyo was hoping that this would not figure into his recovery. “If you’re apologizing, then I should as well, I kissed you back.” Shinya countered. Kyo laughed, “We’re apologizing for a kiss… seriously…a freaking kiss.” Both men had a soft pink blush to their cheeks, this was new territory in their relationship and if they were honest with themselves, it was territory that they both wanted to explore.

 

                Shinya was sitting in front of Dr. Maeta, explaining how the kiss happened and how Kyo and he dealt with it. “It’s not like it was planned doctor, it just happened. I’m not trying to seduce Kyo, and I’m fairly certain he is not trying to seduce me.”

                “You need to approach this carefully Shinya…if Kyo is to regain his memories, being in a sexual relationship with you may create problems.” Shinya huffed, “I’m well aware of the problems it would create, I’ve known Die and Kyo for over twenty years. I know that Kyo does not love me in a romantic way, just as I do not love him, I would never come between he and Die.”

                Dr. Maeta went on to suggest further activities that may assist in Kyo’s recovery, one of which Shinya wasn’t sure his friend was ready for.

                “Do what? You’re joking…right?” Shinya was shocked.

                “No, I’m not joking. I think it would be helpful if Kyo…rather Tooru could see his life as a member of Dir En Grey first hand. Showing him videos of concerts may trigger memories. Why are you hesitant to try this?”

                “Because you didn’t see his reaction to just looking at photos! He locked himself in his room for over six hours…the look on his face was one of devastation, and now you want me to show him videos? I’m not sure that’s an option.”

                “How long do you want to keep him in the dark, Shinya? Are you looking at this from a personal standpoint? You are not the one with the lost memories, Kyo is. If you’re not willing to assist him in regaining his memory, then perhaps Kyo would be better off living in an assisted living situation.” Dr. Maeta was becoming a little hot under the collar.

                “I don’t want to keep him in the dark, but I KNOW Kyo much better than you do. I’ve known and worked and lived with the man for over twenty years, _Doctor._ Right now…today, is NOT the day to start showing him videos of himself on stage. He can’t even look at pictures without becoming anxious. No Doctor, I will not agree to that.” Shinya was pissed off, a rarity for the normally quiet man. “I will bow to your wishes and suggestions for now Shinya but remember…Kyo is in a long-term relationship with Daisuke… he is not your conquest, he is not your lover. You’re doing a great disservice to Kyo if you continue to keep him in the dark about his true reality.”

 

                “He has no idea what watching videos may do to Kyo” Shinya muttered to himself all the way out of the office building, and down to his car. “Kyo’s going to lose it if he sees that, I may as well call a mental hospital.” Dr. Maeta pissed Shinya off, suggesting that he knew what was good for Kyo more than Shinya did. Sitting in his car he laid his head back, he touched his lips where Kyo’s kiss still lingered and wrestling with the conflicting feelings that were rising in his heart.

 

                _I want to come and see him, I think it would be good for him, so when can I come_?

                _What did the doctor say? What’s the next step… should we be helping? I want to come and talk to him, I should be allowed to do that, Shin_.

                _What are you hiding? Why can’t I see him…you’re not the doctor! Shinya this is unfair, he’s my lover! I want to talk to MY LOVER_!

 

                Die was becoming highly annoyed with his bandmate’s refusal to let him see Kyo. Shinya always had an excuse or telling him the doctor didn’t think it would be good for Kyo to see him. Shinya had started to ignore Die’s texts and phone calls. He didn’t want to just show up at Shinya’s house, that would be rude. He had started to complain to Kaoru and Toshiya, “Shin’s hiding something, I just know it. He doesn’t answer my texts or phone calls…what the fuck?” Die whined to Kaoru.

                “Die please…this isn’t helping. Maybe Kyo isn’t ready to see anyone just yet, Shinya is probably just following what the doctor is telling him to do. It hasn’t even been two months yet, just drop it.” Kaoru sighed.

                “DROP IT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?” Die screamed at Kaoru. “WHAT THE FUCK KAO?” Die had gotten up and shoved Kaoru against a wall, screaming at him. “KYO IS MY LOVER! AND YOU TELL ME TO JUST DROP IT! FUCK YOU KAO! FUCK ALL OF YOU!”

                Die shoved Kaoru in the shoulder and stormed out of the studio, “Are you okay?” Toshiya had watched the interaction from across the room, not wanting to be in Die’s path of anger.

                “I’m fine, Die is not. Do you think Shinya’s hiding something?” Kaoru didn’t know what to believe at this point.

                “No, I think he’s being very protective of Kyo, but he’s probably getting tired of Die’s texts and calls. You think he’d talk to either one of us?” Toshiya had stayed pretty much in the background during all of it, he just didn’t know how or what to say if he was faced with a friend who didn’t remember him.

                “Maybe, I don’t know, but I’m going to text Shinya and warn him that Die is on the warpath.” Kaoru already had his phone out as he spoke.

                “ _Hi, watch for Die…he’s pissed off and was getting a little physical with me today. Not sure if he may show up at your house. Just be careful_.”

                As Shinya read the text, Kyo walked in from his room. “What’s up? You look pissed off.” Kyo rarely saw his roommate with anything other than a soft smile, but at that moment a dark cloud was hovering over Shinya.

                “It’s Die, he’s being a troll again. Don’t worry about it, I’ll handle it.” Shinya tried to reassure Kyo. “What’s he doing?” Before Shinya could answer, someone started pounding on the front door.

                ‘SHINYA LET ME IN RIGHT NOW! SHINNYAAA!” Die screamed as he pounded on the door. Kyo’s eyes grew wide and he ran for his room, as the pounding continued.

                “YOU’D BETTER OPEN THIS DAMNED DOOR SHINYA! I’LL KICK IT IN IF I HAVE TO! I WANT TO SEE KYO AND I WANT TO SEE HIM NOW!”

                Shinya looked down the hall to see if Kyo’s door was shut before he opened the front door. “So, you’re now restoring to being an asshole, Daisuke? Really?” Shinya growled at his friend.

                “I’m being an asshole because I want to see MY boyfriend of FIVE years, that you have been keeping away from me? Yah, so who’s the asshole now, Shinya!” Die snarled. “I want to talk to Kyo and I want to talk to him NOW!”

                Die shoved his way into Shinya’s home, looking around then moving down the hallway to Kyo’s room. “Kyo babe, I need to talk to you… I just need to see you, please…open the door.”  

                 Shinya went down the hall and grabbed Die by the arm, twisting it hard behind the man’s back. “You will leave NOW Daisuke! If you don’t leave I’m calling the police!” The two men struggled with each other in the hallway, Shinya much stronger than he appeared as he shoved Die face first into the wall.

                Neither one heard Kyo open his door, gaping at what he was witnessing, “SHINYA STOP IT!” Kyo screamed at the two men struggling. “Die, go home please…just go home!” Shinya and Die stopped immediately, looking at Kyo.

                “I just wanted to talk to you babe…that’s all. Shinya has been keeping you away from me! I just need to see you and make sure you’re okay…just talk with me please!” Die was nearly in tears.

                “Shinya let him go, I’ll talk to him, it’s okay.” Kyo sighed. “I swear to god Die, if you hurt him in any way, I will kill you.” Shinya growled into Die’s ear. “I’ll be in my room…with the door open!”

                Shinya shoved himself away from Die and made his way down the hall to his own room. Kyo walked past Die into the kitchen and sat at the table and waited for Die to join him.

                “What do you want Die?” Kyo asked. “Say what you want to say, then please go home.”  Die was crestfallen, his face showing mixed emotions.

                “I needed to see you Kyo, face to face…I haven’t seen you in weeks.” Die whimpered. “Shinya has been hiding you from me and everyone else. Kaoru and Toshiya want to see you as well, it’s been hard on all of us!”

                “Die, you do realize that I have no memory of us being lovers, I have no memories beyond waking up in the hospital. So why are you pushing this? What will you do if I never get my memories back? Are you going to demand that I become your lover?” Kyo pointed out.

                “But you will get your memory back, I know you will!” Die asserted. “Then you’ll come home with me and …”

                “And what Die? Go back to being what we were before my accident? How are you so sure that’s what will happen? What if I don’t want to go back to that…what if I decided I wanted to be with someone else?” Kyo wasn’t going to say Shinya’s name, but Die figured it out quickly.

                “You want to be with Shinya, don’t you?” Die was staring at the table, “You love him already, you don’t want me in your life…” he whispered.

                “I didn’t say that, and I didn’t say Shinya’s name, you just assume that it’s Shinya.” Kyo wasn’t about to admit Die was right. “I don’t know what’s going to happen Die, I know who I’m suppose to be, what my life is supposed to be, but the reality of it is I may never go back to that. I have to face the prospects of living as I am now, my name is Tooru, not Kyo.”

                Die looked up at Kyo, tears in his eyes, “All I have to say is that I love you, I want you back in my life and I don’t know how to move on, or sit still or anything right now…what do you want me to do Kyo?”

                “I want you to go home, Die. Leave me alone for now…don’t be mad with Shinya, he’s only doing what he thinks will help me the most. I don’t hate you Die, I don’t love you either. You’re a stranger to me, I’m sorry this is hurting you. I can’t give you what I don’t have to give.” Kyo smiled weakly at Die, who was devastated with Kyo’s answer.

                Not saying another word, Die got up and walked to the front door, “I’ll wait for you, for as long as it takes. I love you Kyo.” Die then walked out the door closing it quietly.

                Kyo watched Die leave, he hated how he was feeling but he couldn’t lie to the man, he deserved the truth from Kyo, even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

                “Are you okay Tooru?’ Shinya had heard Die leave, walking quietly up to Kyo, he put his arms around the smaller man’s shoulders. “As good as I can be considering I just totally crushed Die’s happiness.” Kyo leaned his head on Shinya’s shoulder, the slender man kissing the top of Kyo’s head. “We’ll get through this, not sure how but we’ll manage. Die will just have to wait…that’s all any of us can do.”


	4. Chapter 4

                “What do you want for dinner tonight, or do you want to order in?” Shinya and Kyo were at the market buying groceries and trying to come up with something other than the usual boring meal and tv after dinner. “Meh, I don’t know…I’m tired of everything. Could we maybe go out to dinner?” Kyo chanced to ask. “Hmm, not sure where we could go, but let me think about it some.” Shinya held Kyo’s hand as they finished shopping.

                Since the night of the kiss, Kyo and Shinya’s relationship had turned into something other than friends and roommates. There were more touches while they moved through the house, holding hands in the car, warmer hugs that hinted of arousal, but they did not act on any of it. The fear that they both had when Die came rampaging in, was enough to quell the heat…but for how long?

                “Where do you want to go? Ramen…Italian…burgers?” Shinya threw out some ideas as they walked to the car. “Hmm, spaghetti sounds good.” They made plans to drop off the groceries and head out for some Italian food.

                “What will you do about Die?” Dinner conversation had been about everything other than Die, the white elephant in the room. Shinya had to confront Kyo about it, considering how his feelings had been changing to more romantic thoughts.

                “Not sure really. I hate that I’m hurting him…I’m not doing it on purpose and he should remember that. What do you think I should do? Just tell him to stay way?” Kyo wanted to say something else, “What about us?” he said, taking a chance.

                “I have no answers to any of it, even between us. I think we need to come up with some sort of solution, not only for your sake and mine, but for the band as well. You are the driving force of the band. You are Kyo of Dir En Grey…nobody here will see you or know you as Tooru from Takeda.”

                They ate in silence for a time, Shinya thinking about what Dr. Maeta had said about showing Kyo the videos from previous lives. “Dr. Maeta wanted me to do something for you a few weeks back, but at the time I didn’t think it wise. Now? I think we need to move forward with it.”

                Kyo looked puzzled, “What did he tell you to do?” Shinya shook his head, “Let’s leave it until we get home, I want to enjoy the rest of the meal.” Kyo smiled, “Sure, no worries.”

                Sitting on the couch, Shinya waited for Kyo to come into the living room. His stomach churning, he had put the DVD in the machine and queued up, ready to play.

                “So, what did Dr. Maeta want you to do? He thinks this is going to help?” Anxiety was the dessert for the night for both Kyo and Shinya.

                “Dr. Maeta thinks showing you this video is going to help you. Personally, I doubt it and I want to apologize ahead of time. Just give yourself a few minutes to watch before saying anything. This first video is what I want you to understand how powerful your singing is, how you reach the fans.” Kyo nodded and Shinya hit play. The Final from the Budokan 2014 tour, in which the audience sang along to a video instead of the band playing.

                Kyo leaned forward and watched, transfixed by the vision and the sound of the crowd singing the song. Shinya watched his friend’s face, looking for any sort of recognition of the song. Once it was over, Shinya paused the DVD. “Well, what do you think?”

                “I can’t believe that’s me. There’s no way. The crowd was amazing…to want to sing a song without the band playing? Watching a video while they sang…it was amazing.” Kyo was awestruck.

                “Okay, with that being said, you have to take this as it is. I’m going to show you some videos from our early days, are you ready?” This was the test, Shinya knew it could go great, it could be an epic fail. He hit play.

                As the videos cycled through, Shinya started to regret his choice. Kyo’s face darkened, he started to shake. “This…this is me? It can’t be…” He whispered. As the videos finished, Kyo looked at Shinya, then abruptly got up and went into his room.

                “Shit…I knew it!” Shinya berated himself. “Too soon if at all. Damn it Maeta!” Laying his head back on the couch, Shinya stared at the ceiling for a good long while. Debating with himself if he should try to go talk to Kyo. He waited for an hour, still arguing with himself, he got up and went to Kyo’s door, listening for any sounds. He knocked.

                “Tooru, can I come in?” The door unlocked, and Shinya opened it. “Hey how are you feeling?” Kyo looked at Shinya, his eyes swollen and red from crying, lying back down on his bed. “That shit scares the crap out of me Shinya…there’s no way I was like that…none!”

                “It’s hard to believe, but it is you. You’re artistic, talented and moody. You can be a real prick sometimes if you’ve not had enough sleep. You love the fans and always show your appreciation for them. Your songs always have meaning, they’re not just fluff…You are Kyo of Dir En Grey.”

                “What about you…how am I connected to you, are we friends?” Kyo was trying to piece together the relationships that were already there, but unknown to him.

                “You’re my best friend, you have been since day one. We don’t speak a lot, we don’t need to. You’re Die’s lover, that is undeniable. He’s goofy and shy, and sometimes a huge dork…but he has something in his soul that you love.”

                “Kaoru is leader-san. He’s quiet, almost as quiet as I am, he leads us through the bullshit, especially during tour season, he’s always there for all of us.”

                Kyo snorted, “He doesn’t seem like leader material.”

                “Toshiya, or Totchi as you like to call him, is the beautiful outgoing soul that binds us. Totchi will do anything for anyone in a pinch, you tease him a lot, and he just laughs at you.” Shinya was at a loss on how to convince Kyo any further than this.

                Shinya laid down next to Kyo, pulling the small man into his arms and hugging him. “You don’t have to go straight into being Kyo of Dir En Grey…you take your time, recover completely then see what’s ahead of you. The fans understand, they saw you fall and hit your head. They know you’re still in recovery and they’re all praying for you.” Shinya kissed the top of Kyo’s head.

                Kyo turned his face up to look at Shinya…he needed the comfort, he needed the connection between Tooru and Kyo and the only one he trusted was Shinya, who against his better judgement, bent down and kissed Kyo.

                Kyo moaned in Shinya’s mouth, tiny mewls between breaths. Wiggling out of Shinya’s arms, Kyo turned to lie on Shinya, never breaking the kiss. He wiggled in between his new lover’s legs, grinding his hips against Shinya’s.

                “We really shouldn’t be doing this...” Shinya said between breaths. “I’ll stop…but I don’t think you want me to.” Shinya shook his head, “Please…” Kyo took that as an open invitation to start ravishing Shinya. Clothes were removed, hands started to roam, leaving Shinya begging for more than just touching. He knew he’d regret this, but at that very moment, neither he nor Kyo cared.

 

                The next morning, they both ‘cared’. “Well that was probably not the smartest thing I’ve ever done…but I don’t regret it one bit.” Shinya was still snuggled in Kyo’s arms, the man kissed Shinya’s head. “Nope, it was probably pretty stupid, I hope I don’t remember this when I get my memory back, might be a bit awkward trying to explain it to Die…’oh sorry honey, I fucked our drummer when I didn’t know who I was’, yah, that’s going to go over well.” Shinya started laughing at the absurdity of the situation. “It will be our secret… as well as you and I can hide one, nobody will ever find out!”

                They sat at the kitchen table, drinking tea and trying to figure out their next move. “So, should we continue this um…whatever this is? Or do we chalk it up to a one-night incident?” Kyo was trying to decipher Shinya’s feelings. He obviously wanted to continue their romance, it felt good to have a connection to someone when he had no memories of other relationships.

                “I don’t know Tooru, what do we do when your memories come back, will this be part of it?” Shinya also wanted to continue the physical relationship, even if Kyo didn’t remember, he wanted to grab a bit of happiness while he could.

                “I would like to stay as it is, I like it…it feels right to me somehow. I wouldn’t go ratting me out to Dr. Maeta, because this is none of his business. There’s always that chance that I will never remember being Kyo, I feel badly for the band but I’m going to be selfish and say that at least I have you, if that’s what you want.”

                Shinya smiled, blushing lightly. “I would also like to keep us together, I do want this. Dealing with the band will come later, your memories coming back…well I’m willing to take a chance for the time being. You’re right though, if they don’t come back, I want to be with you.”

                The plans for the day were laid out, interrupted frequently by a lot of kissing and more than enough groping, and promises for later that night.

                “I need to go to the studio today, will you be alright by yourself?” Shinya hated leaving, but this was important.

                “Go, I’ll be fine…I’m going to take a nap later, for some reason I’m a little tired.” Kyo grinned.

 

                Shinya walked into the studio, finding Kaoru already there, but no signs of the others. “Hey, what’s up?” he asked as he fell onto the couch. “Well you look like crap, not sleeping well?” Kaoru would never know, not if Shinya could help it. “Just a little stress, that’s all. I have something to tell everyone when they get here.” Kaoru raised a brow at that.

                Another fifteen minutes and Toshiya and Die had arrived, everyone was sitting down and waiting for their meeting to start.

                “I’d like to let you know that Kyo has now seen video of us performing.” Shinya started.

                “What did he think? What videos did you show him?” Toshiya was the first to jump into the upcoming fray.

                “I showed him the Budokan 2014 video of The Final, he was completely impressed by the fans…so we know Kyo is locked in there somewhere.” Shinya explained.

                “Sooo… the other videos? Why do I have a bad feeling about this?” Die groaned.

                “Jessica, Umbrella, Child Prey and Obscure…which of course freaked him out totally.” Shinya sighed, sitting back deeply in the couch.

                “Yikes… um… what happened?” Toshiya was cringing.

                “He looked horrified and left the room, he locked himself in his room for a few hours.” This was all true, Kyo did lock himself in his room.

                They all talked at once, trying to figure out just what to do. “What about Maeta?” Kaoru suggested. “He’s the idiot that advised me to show Kyo the videos, I don’t trust him anymore, we know Kyo better than he does.” Shinya griped.

 

                Kaoru watched Shinya throughout the meeting, noticing that the man was obviously hiding something. He was just about to approach Shinya but Die got to him first.

                “I’d like to set up a date please…with Kyo. I want to be able to speak civilly to him with no interference or interruptions. I think I should be allowed to do that…don’t you?” Die pointed out.

                “I’ll have to ask him, I promise I will Die. But you’ll have to agree to what he wants, if he says no…it’s not because I’ve said anything, it’s because he’s not ready.” Shinya countered. “If we agree to that, I’ll speak with him later today and then I’ll let you know.”

                Die walked away with a little lighter step and a smile on his face, Shinya on the other hand wore a worried expression. Kaoru saw that and approached him.

                “What’s wrong…don’t tell me nothing because I’ve always been able to see through your lies. Something happened, what was it?” Kaoru had his hand on Shinya’s shoulder. Shinya looked down at his hands in his lap, Kaoru sees a tear falling and has a gut feeling he knows exactly what’s wrong.

                “How far did it go?” he asked Shinya softly. Shinya’s head snapped up, his hand covering his mouth.

                “How did …” he gasped. “A gut feeling, and I know how you are with lost things, puppies, kittens or people” Kaoru smiled.

                “Um, it went all the way, as far as you could go without confessing.” Shinya murmured. Kaoru sighed, “What are you going to do?” the slender man shrugged. “Nothing, it won’t happen again.”

                “You believe that? Shin-chan, please…don’t hurt yourself or him, it’s not fair to any of us.” Shinya was now more than confused and it hurt. He knew he could fall for this new softer version of Kyo in a heartbeat. But that would mean the end of Dir En Grey, it wasn’t like they could get a new vocalist…so what would he do?

 

                “Where would you like to go? We could go to the park where we would walk in the evenings?” Die was first date nervous, clammy hands, sweating and dry mouth all at the same time.

                “That sounds nice…” Kyo replied softly. He had to admit that Die was trying very hard to be polite and caring, to the point of almost annoying. Die wasn’t acting like Die…he was behaving like a love-struck teenager.

                They walked along the path next to the pond, talking about nothing important; his cooking curry that was overly hot and Shinya feeling sick after eating it, Shinya’s weird obsession with keeping things neat and tidy. “I can’t even drop a towel for ten seconds before he’s there picking it up and scolding me”

                “You’re usually just like that… I mean…” Die stammered. “Am I? Are you a slob? Oh shit! Sorry, I didn’t mean it to come out that way!” Kyo giggled, something Die had never heard the man do before. “I’m not a slob, but I’m not a neat freak, except in the kitchen.

                It felt strange for Die to explain their life together, he kept wanting to say something like ‘you know that’ but held his tongue. The other problem that he stumbled on was calling Kyo by his given name, but after an hour or so, the two men were more relaxed with each other.

                They found a secluded bench near the pond, sitting down to really start to talk. Die faced Kyo, hoping not to come on too hard. He started talking about the band, the tours and the different incidents that had happened over the years, but he never told Kyo about what he had done.

                “How was I on tour? Was I a pain in the ass?” Kyo finally had to ask.

                “I wouldn’t say a pain in the ass, but after a few weeks you’d just get super grumpy and very quiet. You wouldn’t even want me around, we slept in separate bunks mainly because they’re too small for two. We almost always shared hotel rooms…I mean that was normal…we were together.”

                Kyo just nodded, “What about the others, how did they view our relationship? Were they okay with it?” Die laughed, “Oh god… they were SO relieved when I finally confessed to you! I was a sad puppy for weeks before I got big enough balls to tell you how I felt, and you were super surprised.”

                “Why would I be surprised? Was it so weird that you fell in love with me?” Kyo wasn’t sure how to take that information.

                Die put his hand over Kyo’s, “You had issues with opening yourself up to others, you always have. You’re very private, contemplative and solitary, you just never thought that anyone would love you. When it turned out to be me, you were shocked. You kept asking me ‘Are you sure?’.”

                Kyo looked up into Die’s eyes, he could see the love the man had for him…well the love he had for Kyo, not Tooru, and suddenly his heart went out to the man. “This must be extremely hard for you, I’m sorry.” He apologized to Die.

                “It’s not your fault, you don’t need to apologize! I’m sorry I was such an asshole that day at Shinya’s, it’s been difficult living in our home without you.” Die looked away, “You’re everything to me, I could give up everything in life that I have, if it was the only way I could be with you.”

                Kyo’s breath caught, this confession hit him hard. To have your lover forget you, everything that you’ve built together, gone in one instant…he now understood Die better.

                “I want you to know, I’m trying to recover…but so far I haven’t had anything that’s made a difference. Shinya is patient and helpful, although the videos he showed me the other night scared the shit out of me…except for the one song.”

                “The Final? Yah, that’s our signature song, the fans love it…sing every word at every show, you pour your heart into it at ever performance. The amount of people in the audience that cry during that song is intense. The lyrics mean so much to a lot of people, you never do anything half assed, including that song.” Die loved playing The Final, it made the fans happy and emotional, something he understood completely.

                The couple spent the rest of the afternoon talking about the band, their families…well Die’s family and their little weird band family. Walking up to Shinya’s house, Die hesitated to ask, “Could I um, have a hug please?” Kyo didn’t have the heart to refuse the man, it was the least he could do in the situation.

                Die hugged Kyo with an intensity that spoken volumes, his pain, his love, his loneliness all expressed in that one hug. “Thank you for today. We should do this again soon, ne?” Die asked hopefully. “I’d like that a lot. Thanks, Die for everything.” With another short hug, Kyo went in to the house.

                “Tadaima” Kyo called out as he toed off his shoes in the genkan, “Okaeri, how was the date?” Shinya was in the kitchen cutting vegetables for dinner. “It was pretty nice, Die has some great stories although I feel weirdly detached when he talks about me in particular…well Kyo really.”

                “That’s to be expected, it’s like speaking in third person, you’re talking about yourself, but with another’s voice.” Shinya was hiding his jealousy and his sadness, he quickly took a towel and wiped his face. “You’re crying?” Kyo went over to his roommate, “Oh? No no…cutting onions.” Shinya lied.  Eating dinner together, the familiar routine fell back into place, with one exception.

                “Let me help with the dishes” Kyo had cleared the table and was standing at the sink, Shinya came behind him and reached around, holding Kyo’s hands in the water and leaning into the smaller man hard. “Shin…” Kyo gasped as Shinya gently bit Kyo’s ear, “Hmm? Did you want to say something Tooru?” Kyo pushed his ass back into Shinya’s crotch, both men grinding on each other.

                “I think the dishes can wait until tomorrow…I want to go to bed.” Kyo was breathless trying to speak. “Mmm, I agree.”  Drying his hands, Shinya led Kyo into his bedroom, “I have a much larger bed, plenty of room to play.”  Closing the door, Shinya and Kyo forgot about the dirty dishes in the sink, playing with other dirty things in bed.


	5. Chapter 5

Kyo stretched, the pain was mild but well worth ever second of the night before. Looking over at Shinya who was still sleeping, his plush lips parted slightly with soft breathy snores escaping, Kyo was more conflicted this morning, than the first time. The first morning after, it was more about embarrassment and confusion, today it was more than just confusion…Kyo now had Die on his mind. “Shit…what the hell?” he whined. He carefully got out of bed and went into the bathroom, looking at his reflection, he still saw Tooru, but with an underlying Kyo, staring back at him. One overlapped the other, just as Shinya and Die overlapped…neither one perfectly clear.

  
Getting dressed, Kyo left a note on the bathroom mirror, and headed out the door for a long thoughtful walk. He must to come to some sort of agreement within his own persona, did he want to recover his memories that included five years with Die and twenty years with the same band? Or did he want to forget it all and stay with Shinya…which in a round about way, would be another factor in the demise of the band.  
“FUCK!” he snarled. He headed for the park nearest the house and started down the hill towards the walking path. He wasn’t the only one up, there were older people doing tai chi, a few businessmen who had slept in the park after a senpai ordered drinking party and a few people jogging. If Kyo wanted to be alone, it wasn’t going to happen at this park.

  
With his hands shoved down in his pocket, his shoulders hunched up, Kyo started down the trail, ignoring everyone. His mind was flashing hot, thoughts, visions and consequences of actions, he didn’t even hear his name being called until the man was behind him.  
“Ignoring me Kyo-san? Want to forget I ever existed?” Kyo turned around and a pouty faced man with bright red hair, standing behind him with a pissy look on his face.  
“Who are you?” Kyo cocked his head. “What did you just say? You know exactly who I am you runt”  
“Actually, I have no fucking idea who you are…and you’re already annoying me, go away strange man” Kyo turned to walk away, muttering under his breath about weirdo’s being out so early.

  
“Hey asshole… the might Kyo blowing me off? Not a fucking chance!” The man rushes up behind Kyo and grabs him by the arm, turning the smaller man around. “Look again, Kyo… yah you remember me… Kisaki? Yah…that’s right asshole.”  
“I have no idea who you are, other than a huge fucking prick, go away now before I call the cops.” Kyo turned again and tried to walk away, this time the man jumped in front of him, putting his hand on Kyo’s chest.

  
“You think you’re better than me, you always have…but you know what? You’re still that little runty fucking ugly kid from Kyoto who couldn’t hack it in Osaka, so you whined and bitched and left our band. Yah, you fucking creep…you conveniently forget La: Sadie?” The man was now screaming at Kyo. “if it wasn’t for me, Dir En Grey wouldn’t even exist! I made that band, not you or Kaoru or any of them, ME! I made Dir En Grey!”  
“You piece of shit you don’t have any idea what you’re talking about, who the fuck are you anyways? Some rabid asshole who has a beef with a band? That’s a fucking joke! You must be super popular… no wait you’re not because I’VE NEVER HEARD OF KISAKI!”  
Kisaki grabbed Kyo by the front of the shirt, “You little fucking runt…I’ll shove my fist down your throat… you can take that shitty band of yours and fuck the fuck off! You’re NOTHING WITH OUT ME!”

  
Just as Kisaki cocked his arm back, Kyo’s face changed, it changed enough for Kisaki to stop his punch and let go of Kyo’s shirt. “What the…?” Kyo looked around, “What the fuck are you doing here? Where the hell am I? What the fuck!”  
Kyo shrugged his shirt back in place, reached for his phone but his pockets were empty. “Hey, Kisaki, let me use your phone please…I have no idea where the fuck I am.” Kisaki gaped at Kyo.  
“You want to what? Use my phone?” The man was stunned, two seconds earlier he was ready to throw down with Kyo, now the man is asking politely to use his phone?  
“Yah, really… I have no idea where the hell I am…what fucking day is this?” Kisaki started to stare at Kyo with a wild look in his eyes, “You’re fucking insane, you’ve lost it. Get the hell away from me.” Kisaki backed away then turned and left Kyo standing in the middle of the path. Shit, now what?

Kyo walked along the main street looking at signs and stores, trying to figure out where he was. He turned the corner off a large main street and recognized that he was close to his and Die’s house, close meaning at least two miles of walking. He had no ID with him, his phone was gone and his wallet, Kyo swore under his breath, “If this was Die’s idea of a joke, I’m going to kill him.”

  
Finally turning down their street, Kyo stopped in front of their house, and reached for… his keys that he didn’t have. “Fuck… really?” Going up to the door, he started to ring the bell and pound on the door. “DIE GOD DAMNIT LET ME IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!” He didn’t care if the neighbors heard him, they’d heard worse over the last few years.  
Die stumbles to the door, opening it only to be shoved back in and the door slammed. “What the hell kind of trick did you play on me now? How the fuck did I get into a park, with no phone, no fucking wallet and no keys? Explain it to me Daisuke, and it better be good.” Kyo took off his jacket and started walking around the house looking for his things.

  
“Kyo?” Die’s voice quivered, “What? Where the hell is my phone and wallet? What the fuck are you standing there for with that dumb ass expression on your face, HELP ME FIND MY PHONE!” Before Kyo could say another word, Die had him in a bear hug, crying into the smaller man’s hair.  
“Kyo… right? It’s Kyo…oh my god…Kyo…” Die whimpered, and this scared Kyo. “Die, what the hell is wrong? Hey babe, why are you crying?” All the anger and tension had left his body at the sight and sound of his lover crying.

  
Die held Kyo in the hug for a good five minutes, mumbling Kyo’s name and making sure that he was really there. Finally, Kyo managed to slip out of Die’s grip, to look at his lover. “Damn babe, you look like hell, are you sick? What the fuck is going on right now?”  
“I have to call… just sit right there don’t move!” Die ran back to the bedroom and grabbed his phone, opening it he noticed texts from Shinya.  
“Shin…call the others, he’s at my house and he’s back…yes that’s what I said…it’s Kyo.” Die snapped his phone closed and went back into the living room.  
“Care to explain what the hell is going on?” Kyo had his arms crossed and was scowling. “Babe it’s a long story and I don’t want to tell you until the others get here, do you want tea or coffee?”

“You’re joking, right? This isn’t possible…for how long?” Kyo was incredulous with the information that was being said. “Almost three months, Kyo…you’ve been Tooru the entire time. Feel your forehead for the scar, it’s still pretty obvious.” Toshiya explained. Kyo raised his hand to touch this forehead, “Damn, that’s a hell of a scar.”  
The rest of the morning was spent telling the story of what had gone on for almost three months, living with Shinya, Die barging in and screaming at Shinya, and the fans outpouring of support for him.

  
Kaoru spoke his part of the incident, then he watched Shinya slowly crumbling in front of him, but it wasn’t seen by anyone else. Shinya caught Kaoru looking at him and gave him a weak smile and a shrug.  
“Shin, buddy I’m sorry if I caused you any problems, I wasn’t a horrid roommate, was I?” Kyo wanted to make sure that he was good with his best friend. “Actually, Tooru was rather nice as a roommate, a little bit sloppy and your curry was too spicy, but overall it was a pleasant experience.”

  
Kyo grinned, “Thanks… for everything.” Shinya nodded and waved his hand. “I’d do it again in a heartbeat, you know that.”  
Once the story had been told, with all the elements, including the incident with Kisaki, “I was just like standing there, he had his hand on my shirt and his arm pulled back like he was going to hit me…I think I freaked him out though, he just ended up walking away after calling me insane.”  
Die was soon pushing everyone out of the house so he and Kyo could spend some much-needed alone time, promising to be at the studio in two days. Kaoru stopped Shinya on the sidewalk, “I’m sorry Shin-chan…I know this must be rough.” Kaoru hugged his drummer, something he didn’t often do.  
“It’s fine, I knew that it would happen eventually. He belongs with Die and not me. See you at the studio?” Shinya turned and walked away, leaving Kaoru to watch the slender man’s back cross the street and get into his car. “Shit… I’m so sorry Shin…”

  
Shinya held it together until he got into his own house, put his things away and changed into pajamas. Once he got into bed, putting the pillow over his head he began to sob, gut wrenching sobs of loss and happiness combined. He fell asleep sometime during the night, clutching the last pajama’s Kyo wore that still had his scent on them. It was all worth it, he convinced himself as he turned over and succumbed to the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a weird little fic...but I felt like I needed to write it just to be able to get back into my groove.  
> I lost the groove while I was in Japan, but all the while this story was knocking to be released.
> 
> It's silly, it's not really that good but it was necessary for me to write. 
> 
> Thanks to all who gave it a chance.


End file.
